I love you
by pamy
Summary: Five times Lilly could have told Logan she loved him. But didn't. From Lilly's POV. Lilly/Logan relationship. Please read and review.


**This idea came to me after writing 'Five time.' I might write more fics like this. This is from Lilly's POV. You should know that LIlly/Logan is one of my favourite couples. I hope you like it. **

**Please read and review. ****5 times Lilly didn't say I love you**

* * *

**1. **

It's summer, the first time you see him.

Of course you've seen him a million times before. Every day. He's your brother's best friend. He's your friend. But it's on that summer day, when you're fourteen, that you truly see him. You're heart begins to beat faster. You flush red at the sight of him. You never thought you could feel this. You never expected it to happen.

You don't know when it happened.

But you like him. It's not love. Of course it's not love. You're far to young to be thinking of love. It's a crush. But that doesn't change what you feel. It doesn't change the fact you want to be with him. You're old enough to know what you want. He smiles at you and your knees go weak.

Your first kiss is perfect.

Just like you always dreamed it would be. Like a fairytale. A dream come true. Suddenly he's not your brother's best friend anymore. He's your boyfriend. The way he looks at you tells you he's not just playing with you. He feels it to. It might not be love yet. It probably won't be for a long time. You're far to young for that.

But it could become love.

So you don't tell him you love him. And he doesn't tell you. Because you don't love him. Not yet. It's far to soon for love. You're not thinking about love just yet. At the moment you're just having fun. And sure you can't imagine ever wanting to be with someone else. But you don't say that out loud.

You don't tell him you love him. Because you don't feel that just yet. And you don't want to lie to him.

Sometimes you wish you had.

* * *

**2. **

It's a summer night when you discover his secret.

You've been dating for six months. Just six months. But you've known him for two years. Yet you never suspected anything like this could be true. It never crossed your mind. It's not like he ever said anything. It's late one evening when you walk into Duncan's room and find Logan on his bed.

It only takes you a second to realize.

One look at his back and it's all you need to know. His back is covered with blood. He must be in so much pain. You want to comfort him. You want to wash away the blood. But your legs don't seem to be listening to you. So you just stand there frozen. Staring at him.

Your eyes meet for a second.

And you see the pain in them. And fear. He's afraid. Afraid you won't accept it. Afraid you won't believe him. Afraid you'll turn away from him disgusted. You don't want to think of the reasons why he would feel like that. He turns away from you and buries his head in the pillow. He's in so much pain.

It's the reason you move.

You sit down on the bed next to him. With a tenderness that surprises even yourself, you start to wash the blood away. It seems like a million years before he turns around and looks at you again. Unshed tears shine in his eyes. Instantly you wonder if you're hurting him. You look him in the eyes searching for the answer.

There's gratitude in his eyes.

You smile at him. And he smiles back. Slowly he starts to relax. He realizes you won't turn away from him. You are not horrified. Ok, you are horrified and you are angry. But not at him. Never at him. You wash away all the blood and disinfect the wounds. When you finish you lie down next to him on the bed.

You snuggle close to him.

So he'll know you'll never leave. Not if you can help it. His eyes start to close and you know he's tired. You can't describe what you feel for him. You wonder if this is love. But you don't say it. You don't say it because you're not sure that's what you feel. And you don't want to have to take it back. You don't say it because this is not the right time to have this conversation. When you say I love you it needs to be special.

It needs to be the right moment.

So you don't tell him you love him. You hope he knows that you do. But you don't tell him.

One day you will regret this.

* * *

**3.**

It's in the winter when he first says it.

But he doesn't know you heard him. It was late and you were tired. You snuggled up in his arms and closed your eyes. After a while he whispered something in your ear. '_I love you.' _He doesn't know you heard him. He thought you were asleep. You don't react. You don't know how to.

You knew this would happen someday.

You don't open your eyes until after he falls asleep. And you just lie there. Staring at his face. He loves you. A soft smile appears on your face. He loves you. He might not know that you heard him, but it doesn't make it any less truth. You just don't know how to react.

You wonder if you love him to.

You close your eyes and lie your head on his shoulder. And you wonder how you feel. Right here in his arms. You feel safe. As if no harm could ever come to you here. Because he would protect you from everything. You feel loved. Because he loves you. He really does. You feel at home. Like you belong here.

You love him.

You know this is truth. You know that you do. You just don't know how to say it out loud. You want the moment to be perfect. You want it to be the right time to tell him. But how do you know when it's the right time? How do you know?

'_I love you to, Logan.'_

It's a little more than a whisper. And you know he didn't hear you. But you feel better for saying it. A part of you feels like you should wake him up. Or tell him again when he's awake. So that he knows that you love him. So that he knows how much you care.

You never do.

You'll regret it for the rest of your life.

* * *

**4. **

Then comes the day he breaks your heart.

You never thought this would happen. Sure you saw couples breaking up all the time. You just never thought it would happen to you. He's always the jealous one. And you like that. It makes you feel loved. You never thought he'd hurt you. You never thought you would ever feel like this.

He kissed Yolanda.

At first Veronica doesn't want to tell you. After all Logan is her friend to. But you're her best friend, so she ends up telling you. At first you don't believe her. You don't want to believe her. You don't want to believe that Logan would ever do something to hurt you. You're always the one doing the hurting.

You never expected this.

But you know she's telling you the truth. She would never lie to you. At least not about something like this. About something so important. She wouldn't. But that means that the only other alternative is that Logan kissed Yolanda. You don't want to hear him explain it to you. You don't want to know what he has to say.

You dump Logan and push Yolanda away.

It's how you deal with the pain. You manage to avoid Logan for a long time. But he was bound to corner you sooner or later. And it's sooner. Before you know it he's standing in front of you. And you're not ready for this. You're not ready to have this conversation. You're not ready.

He doesn't give up.

He tries to explain but you don't want his explanation. He tries to apologize but you don't want that either. In the end he gets angry at you. He asks you why you care so much. You've done things like this. You've hurt him to. You don't know what to say to that.

You never thought you hurt him this much.

He looks you in the eye searching for the answer. You know the answer. It keeps going trough your mind. '_Because I love you!' _But you don't say it out loud. You can't. You're not ready.

You should say it out loud. Right there and then.

But you don't.

Instead you just walk away.

* * *

**5. **

This is not how you expected it would end.

The last time you say it, or at least think it, is on the 3rd of October. You don't know if you said it out loud. You don't know if it mattered. He'll never know. That's what's most important. It's that second, the second you see the astray in his hand. The second you know what's going to happen.

That second seems to go on forever.

And you say the things you always wanted to say but never did. Because you always thought you'd have another day. You tell Veronica she's your best friend. That she'll make it without you. You tell Donut he's the best brother in the world. And you tell Logan you love him.

But it's to late to tell them.

You can only think it. Suddenly you realize you should have said it a long time ago. Instead of waiting for the right moment. Instead of waiting until it meant something. Because it would mean something now. Now that it's suddenly over. But you didn't know this would happen.

You never thought it would end like this.

Eventually them moments has to end. It can't go on forever. The last thing you remember is the four of you on the beach. Oh how you wish you would have simply told him. Now it's to late. To late to tell him. To late to change anything. You love him. But he'll never know that. Because you can't change what's happened. And you can't change what you've done. And you hope he'll never find out.

This is how your life ended.

You love him. You do. But the last time you say it, it hurts the most.

Because he'll never know you did.


End file.
